Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Where in the book...

A.A.s Tradition 3:  "The only requirement for A.A. membership is a desire to stop drinking."

Al-Anons Tradition 3: "The only requirement for membership is that there be a problem of alcoholism in a relative or friend."

John 3:16 "... That whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life."

Matthew 11:28 "Come to me all..."

As soon as I find the exceptions, I'll get back to you.


Saturday, June 5, 2010

It Ain't Easy Being Green...

I haven't covered up my "greenness" in nearly forty years!  I have always had a sense about me.  I didn't flaunt my "greenness".  I certainly didn't go where "green" people are not welcome.  Until I moved to the south... Greens are not welcome here under any circumstance, anywhere.  Not in church, not at AA, not at Al-Anon and not even outside of the their house.

When these southerners asked me how I got here, I lied.  I lied about who I am, my core being.  I started to hate who I was and how I live.  I endured jokes about green, black and brown people.  I laughed along trying to fit in.  But then it happened. Some of the men started asking me out on dates.  I was confused.  I couldn't even figure out how to respond.  I haven't been asked out on a date in over twenty years.  So I lied again and my lies didn't add up.  Lies never do add up, you know.

Now I feel unwelcome everywhere.  One person told me not to let these people run me off but she is young and from the north.  I fought my way in the door in the 1980's, I haven't the energy to do that again.  I am very afraid for the first time in many years.  I am even having an alarm installed on my house.  What I want to know and understand is... If you are so much better then me, why do I scare you so much?  I am just an old girl with children, grandchildren and dreams of my own, a child of God.  I don't want to hurt you, why do you want to hurt me?

Saturday, May 22, 2010

Yesterday ...

Yesterday was a fun, hard, confusing, and an emotional day!  I have an old box of film negatives.  I decided to sort through them with a film to digital scanner thing.  What treasures I found!  Pictures of my babies, my (ex) husband, old friends, old enemies.  The sane days, the insane days and alcohol filled days, my life caught on film. It was a roller coaster day.

The sane days, the days of normalcy were courtesy of my ex, Jim.  Looking at those pictures reminded me of love I tossed aside.  The pictures of my young kids and their "daddy".  He liked being a daddy.  That was plain to see looking back.  Jim loved me no matter what but that wasn't enough for me.  I wanted everything and I didn't even know what everything was.  I looked "in all the wrong places" for it and I had it all the time. Regretfully, I threw it away.

I will always love Jim.  It is a distinction he doesn't even know he holds... The only man I was ever "in" love with.  And no one knows this... I wrote him after I moved to California and asked him if there was anyway we could get back together.  I never heard back from him.  I don't even know if he got that letter.  I heard, after I sent the letter, he remarried as soon as our divorce was final.  Maybe he threw the letter away out of respect for her or maybe he never got the letter.

I made amends to Jim a few weeks back.  It wasn't the best time or place (his mother's funeral) but we may never see each other again.  I told Jim that I have always loved him and I will love him until the day I die.  I told him I am so sorry I couldn't be the wife he needed.  I even told him I am grateful he has Laurie (his current wife).  He deserves to be happy and he deserves a good wife.  Jim is the father of my children, the "bestest" kisser ever, a wonderful dancer, a compassionate friend and a gentle lover... Jim is a good man.  Laurie is very lucky and I hope she knows that.

More to follow...

Thursday, May 20, 2010

You Get What I am...

I was told I should delete yesterdays blog... No way!  You get what you get and I am who I am.  Today is a new day!

I never could figure out the statement, "Don't quit before the miracle happens".  In my acute depression the last couple days it came to me.  The miracle is another day of sobriety.  Easy!  Why the heck haven't I seen that before?  Clear as day and looking too hard.  Looking for a burning bush.  A bright light or for Bill W himself to visit and proclaim, "a spiritual experience has happened here".  A miracle has happened and I was was looking in the wrong direction!

You know, when I am depressed all I think about is drinking.  Some of that is wanting to escape reality and the terrible feelings I am experiencing.  I have gone out twice... It is much like moving to get away from your problems.  There you are... Hello! You are the problem!  The reward for drinking is simple... Prison.  Drinking removes my right of choice.  So, it is my choice today to stay out of prison!

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Belonging and longing

Some days I still feel like a square peg in a round hole.  I wished things were different but I cannot change some of the things about me.  This isn't your business, so leave me alone.  No, please don't leave me alone.  My head is such a mess.  Yet people praise me and thank me and want to hear my story.  I got nothing to give you.  I am all used up.  I'm tired.

Pity pot?  Maybe but I am different from you.  When people find out who I really am, they run away.  I have seen it happen time and time again.  You want to know why I don't get close to anyone?  It is because I am scared of pain and rejection.  Most reject me because of who I am.  Some reject me because people tease them for being my friend.  It is the truth in my world.  It is my reality.  I am getting too old to play these junior high school games.

So, I sit here alone.  People ask me to lunch, dinner, meetings where ever but I always smile and say, no thanks not today.  Because I know we would get close.  Then you would find out about me and leave.  I am one of God's kids, too you know.  And I do have feelings.  One of my nieces' has on her profile, "I yam what I yam."  Hell yeah, so am I.

Monday, May 17, 2010

The Music

Music was always my very best friend.  It was there in my growing-up days, darkest days, drunk times, and sober fun.  I have songs always and forever embedded in the footprints of my mind.  My love of music was a gift awaken in me by Mom.  Mom listened to every genre, sang great songs, and played piano.  I wasn't allowed very many "extra's" as a kid but she bought me a trumpet.  Long before I knew what it was I knew I wanted to play "that horn".  I played my horn for hours every day whether I was happy or sad.

I have an Elvis license plate on my car.  So, I suspect one may wonder why today I mourn Ronnie Dio.  I loved him and I loved his music from the beginning to the end.  Dio was also a trumpeter making him an automatic favorite of mine. I also mourn Lena Horne who passed May 9th.  Mom used to sing One More For My Baby and Stormy Weather all the time.  Since January 1st so many have gone.  Johnny Maestro, Malcolm McLaren, Mark Linkous, Carl Smith and Teddy Pendergrass to name only a few.

In a few weeks I am going to New Orleans.  This trip will allow me to check many of the remaining things off my "bucket" list.  When I was a kid I wanted to play my horn in New Orleans.  I probably won't play a horn there but I will listen to the music.  One of the greatest gifts from my HP is I can feel the music deep in my soul.  I could never explain that statement, I just feel the music.  I love every note every musician plays.  If there is a band in heaven I hope when my time comes they will be playing "When the Saints Go Marching In" and I hope Louis Armstrong is leading the parade.  Let Elvis sing "How Great Thou Art" and Mahalia Jackson sing "Amazing Grace" and I will be there... For I am music.

Friday, May 14, 2010

Where in the World is Adam?

I follow several other blogs.  One in particular I really enjoy is, An Addict in Our Sons Bedroom.  They wrote a piece on the blame game to which I replied:

Over twenty years ago and after 3 or 4 treatment centers I kicked my oldest son out. I have only seen him 2 or 3 times. He stopped calling me years ago when I told him no more money. I miss him terribly everyday. I do not know if he is even alive. Sometimes it seems like it would be easier if he were dead. Coulda, woulda, shoulda were my constant companions. I sometimes would wonder if I quit before the miracle happened. In all my meetings, in both fellowships, I have never heard anyone give thanks to their Higher Power, whom they choose to call "Mom & Dad". I know it is out of my hands but every once in awhile I wonder, "If only I (fill in the blank)". Those are the days I help a friend, go to a meeting or call my sponsor. Sometimes all three! It has gotten easier but the pain is still deep.

Yes the pain is still there like a sore that won't go away.  A cancer in my soul. I really do hate alcoholism (and all addictions).  My family is riddled with alcoholics and drug addicts.  For my children (and my grandchildren) that meant/means just add alcohol and find out if you are or not.  It is a very dangerous, life threatening game I would suggest they not play.  Alcohol and drugs will rape, rob and beat you to near death.   Like the song goes, "Everything you love starts to disappear, the devil takes your hand and says, no fear have another shot just one more beer"- Kenny Chesney.