Saturday, May 22, 2010

Yesterday ...

Yesterday was a fun, hard, confusing, and an emotional day!  I have an old box of film negatives.  I decided to sort through them with a film to digital scanner thing.  What treasures I found!  Pictures of my babies, my (ex) husband, old friends, old enemies.  The sane days, the insane days and alcohol filled days, my life caught on film. It was a roller coaster day.

The sane days, the days of normalcy were courtesy of my ex, Jim.  Looking at those pictures reminded me of love I tossed aside.  The pictures of my young kids and their "daddy".  He liked being a daddy.  That was plain to see looking back.  Jim loved me no matter what but that wasn't enough for me.  I wanted everything and I didn't even know what everything was.  I looked "in all the wrong places" for it and I had it all the time. Regretfully, I threw it away.

I will always love Jim.  It is a distinction he doesn't even know he holds... The only man I was ever "in" love with.  And no one knows this... I wrote him after I moved to California and asked him if there was anyway we could get back together.  I never heard back from him.  I don't even know if he got that letter.  I heard, after I sent the letter, he remarried as soon as our divorce was final.  Maybe he threw the letter away out of respect for her or maybe he never got the letter.

I made amends to Jim a few weeks back.  It wasn't the best time or place (his mother's funeral) but we may never see each other again.  I told Jim that I have always loved him and I will love him until the day I die.  I told him I am so sorry I couldn't be the wife he needed.  I even told him I am grateful he has Laurie (his current wife).  He deserves to be happy and he deserves a good wife.  Jim is the father of my children, the "bestest" kisser ever, a wonderful dancer, a compassionate friend and a gentle lover... Jim is a good man.  Laurie is very lucky and I hope she knows that.

More to follow...

Thursday, May 20, 2010

You Get What I am...

I was told I should delete yesterdays blog... No way!  You get what you get and I am who I am.  Today is a new day!

I never could figure out the statement, "Don't quit before the miracle happens".  In my acute depression the last couple days it came to me.  The miracle is another day of sobriety.  Easy!  Why the heck haven't I seen that before?  Clear as day and looking too hard.  Looking for a burning bush.  A bright light or for Bill W himself to visit and proclaim, "a spiritual experience has happened here".  A miracle has happened and I was was looking in the wrong direction!

You know, when I am depressed all I think about is drinking.  Some of that is wanting to escape reality and the terrible feelings I am experiencing.  I have gone out twice... It is much like moving to get away from your problems.  There you are... Hello! You are the problem!  The reward for drinking is simple... Prison.  Drinking removes my right of choice.  So, it is my choice today to stay out of prison!

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Belonging and longing

Some days I still feel like a square peg in a round hole.  I wished things were different but I cannot change some of the things about me.  This isn't your business, so leave me alone.  No, please don't leave me alone.  My head is such a mess.  Yet people praise me and thank me and want to hear my story.  I got nothing to give you.  I am all used up.  I'm tired.

Pity pot?  Maybe but I am different from you.  When people find out who I really am, they run away.  I have seen it happen time and time again.  You want to know why I don't get close to anyone?  It is because I am scared of pain and rejection.  Most reject me because of who I am.  Some reject me because people tease them for being my friend.  It is the truth in my world.  It is my reality.  I am getting too old to play these junior high school games.

So, I sit here alone.  People ask me to lunch, dinner, meetings where ever but I always smile and say, no thanks not today.  Because I know we would get close.  Then you would find out about me and leave.  I am one of God's kids, too you know.  And I do have feelings.  One of my nieces' has on her profile, "I yam what I yam."  Hell yeah, so am I.

Monday, May 17, 2010

The Music

Music was always my very best friend.  It was there in my growing-up days, darkest days, drunk times, and sober fun.  I have songs always and forever embedded in the footprints of my mind.  My love of music was a gift awaken in me by Mom.  Mom listened to every genre, sang great songs, and played piano.  I wasn't allowed very many "extra's" as a kid but she bought me a trumpet.  Long before I knew what it was I knew I wanted to play "that horn".  I played my horn for hours every day whether I was happy or sad.

I have an Elvis license plate on my car.  So, I suspect one may wonder why today I mourn Ronnie Dio.  I loved him and I loved his music from the beginning to the end.  Dio was also a trumpeter making him an automatic favorite of mine. I also mourn Lena Horne who passed May 9th.  Mom used to sing One More For My Baby and Stormy Weather all the time.  Since January 1st so many have gone.  Johnny Maestro, Malcolm McLaren, Mark Linkous, Carl Smith and Teddy Pendergrass to name only a few.

In a few weeks I am going to New Orleans.  This trip will allow me to check many of the remaining things off my "bucket" list.  When I was a kid I wanted to play my horn in New Orleans.  I probably won't play a horn there but I will listen to the music.  One of the greatest gifts from my HP is I can feel the music deep in my soul.  I could never explain that statement, I just feel the music.  I love every note every musician plays.  If there is a band in heaven I hope when my time comes they will be playing "When the Saints Go Marching In" and I hope Louis Armstrong is leading the parade.  Let Elvis sing "How Great Thou Art" and Mahalia Jackson sing "Amazing Grace" and I will be there... For I am music.

Friday, May 14, 2010

Where in the World is Adam?

I follow several other blogs.  One in particular I really enjoy is, An Addict in Our Sons Bedroom.  They wrote a piece on the blame game to which I replied:

Over twenty years ago and after 3 or 4 treatment centers I kicked my oldest son out. I have only seen him 2 or 3 times. He stopped calling me years ago when I told him no more money. I miss him terribly everyday. I do not know if he is even alive. Sometimes it seems like it would be easier if he were dead. Coulda, woulda, shoulda were my constant companions. I sometimes would wonder if I quit before the miracle happened. In all my meetings, in both fellowships, I have never heard anyone give thanks to their Higher Power, whom they choose to call "Mom & Dad". I know it is out of my hands but every once in awhile I wonder, "If only I (fill in the blank)". Those are the days I help a friend, go to a meeting or call my sponsor. Sometimes all three! It has gotten easier but the pain is still deep.

Yes the pain is still there like a sore that won't go away.  A cancer in my soul. I really do hate alcoholism (and all addictions).  My family is riddled with alcoholics and drug addicts.  For my children (and my grandchildren) that meant/means just add alcohol and find out if you are or not.  It is a very dangerous, life threatening game I would suggest they not play.  Alcohol and drugs will rape, rob and beat you to near death.   Like the song goes, "Everything you love starts to disappear, the devil takes your hand and says, no fear have another shot just one more beer"- Kenny Chesney.

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Sometimes I Learn

Sometimes I still have trouble putting a label on my feelings.  Sometimes I don't like being sad so I search inside for something else.  To be honest, sometimes I still search outside.  Sometimes there is nothing but sadness.  And sometimes, just maybe, that is alright.  The little dog and I didn't work out so good.  She was terribly sick.  I had over $200.00 in vet bills in the first two days and the doctor told me if she was still sick tomorrow, she would have to do "very costly" tests.  The next day she was worst. I took the little dog back to the dog pound.

I am sad but, in reality, it is not because I was so attached and "in love" with the dog.  I was "in love" with the plans and dreams I had for us.  First off I didn't want a puppy, too much work.  I wanted a small dog, easy to train and friendly.  I was going to go on walks with her.  We would fish, shop, talk and laugh.  She would be my therapist and I would train her to be a therapy dog.  We would be loved and respected by all.

My head just doesn't work right, we talked about that before.  My friend, Kenneth, said he told his wife he hates their new house.  He hates living on the east side and wishes they lived on the west side.  She told him he wants the to live on the west side because he lives on the east side.  Yes, I understood that comment.  Kenneth, told me that as long as I am not in jail, it is a good day.  And so it is...  

Wednesday, May 12, 2010


I am not without problems today and most are of my own making.

I need to find my gratitude journal.  Where the heck did I put the darn thing.

Oh oh oh Hey!  I am grateful I can take my language out of the bar and make it user friendly

Dog thing didn't work out.  She was terribly ill and neither of us slept last night.  More to follow...