Gifts From "HP" and My Cousin

Getting gifts from my Higher Power is always great but the one I got this time is beyond my dreams.  I know the gifts were always there but anger and fear blinded from seeing them.  It seems the more I thank "HP", the more I am able to see and the more I receive.  As with everything in my life, that too is cyclical.  And as with everything in my life, more is being revealed to me.

I always thought I had lost my childhood memories.  Years of abuse from my parents and years of self-inflicted abuse left me immobilized by my own self-loathing.  I thought I was worthless, unloved and incapable of loving.  Little by little my program taught me otherwise.  Doing a fourth and fifth step helped me see where I was the problem.  It also allowed me freedom to grow beyond my wildest dreams.  I was able to love and to be loved.  I have been to my dad's grave and forgiven him.  My mother and I talked about "it" before she died.  Mom will always be in my heart as a "best friend".

I know my childhood had to have good no matter how dark because I wasn't completely lost.  I just could not remember any good.  So I prayed on it.  I did a first step on my childhood, so to speak.  And then, as the old song goes, "Along Came Sally".  In birth order Sally is our maternal grandmothers' oldest granddaughter and I am next.  I grew up with Grandma near me in Michigan, Sally lived in California.  Sally's other grandmother lived in Michigan as well.  The Grandmothers were friends and I had a relationship with both of Sally's grandmas.  Sally's mother is the oldest of three sisters and my mom is the youngest.

It started innocently, I found Sally on Facebook and emailed her.  She emailed me back!  I told her I didn't know anything about her sibs and kids.  We emailed that information back and forth and on it goes.  We have shared childhood memories, some I had completely forgot. We have shared information about ourselves and our families.  I cannot wait for new emails and hate when I get busy and cannot respond right away.

When I write her I start writing "my dad did this or that".  Then I stop and think, she doesn't need to know that.  So, I erase and redo.  That process has allowed me to "re-frame" my childhood.  To completely free myself of the darkest thoughts and find the good.  Thank you HP for one of the most precious gifts I have ever received!  They say, "when the student is ready".  I am here to tell you for me that is the truth and her name is Sally!

Father, brothers and a missing son

I have spent many hours in prayerful meditation regarding this blog.  In my opinion, I have lived with alcoholics all my life, even when I am home alone.  One of the things I have learned is to be mindful of others.  I have a ton of bad history with my father, both of my brothers and my son, Adam.  Besides me, these men are the alcoholic/drug addicts in my life that at times still haunt the corners of my mind. (Picture is my father)

As I look at things that happened between these men and me I must try to find my part in it.  As a small child I had no part in that insanity but as an adult I do have a part.  What I mean is, some of the stuff that happened to me as a child I continued to carry around as an adult for many years.  I reacted to my adult environment through the eyes of a scared little girl.  That is the area for which I am responsible, how I live my life today and to not allow these men to continue to abuse me.

In finding my part in everything, I must also make amends for my actions.  And herein lays my dilemma.  In making amends I need to remember the second part, "except when to do so would injure them or others."  For me to publicly name the actions of these men I risk hurting their children, grandchildren and other family members. I would never intentionally hurt anyone.

I no longer hold any anger or resentment towards these men, I have forgiven them.  That was hard to do and for many years I told people "forgiveness is God's business not mine".  I have learned for me, forgiveness has three parts.  First, I had to admit I need to forgive.  Second, I had to actually forgive.  Third, I had to accept that these men were/are suffering from their own disease and demons.   

I was able to tell my one brother on the phone I have no resentment towards him.  The other brother is very difficult to talk with as he is still living in the past.  My father is dead.  My son Adam is, I don't know where.  The last I knew he was homeless in Detroit once again.  I have forgiven them all and I will never have a relationship with any of them.  I always thought forgiveness meant approval of the actions, it does not.  Forgiveness has cleansed my heart and for that I am very grateful.  Forgiveness also means I no longer have to carry "it" around and I no longer need to be a victim.  Do I need to "get even" with the abuser and name names and call out sins?  Not today I don't and my heart is over-flowing with love.

One of my greatest gifts is called Trisha

One of the best gifts I received in my life was my daughter, Trisha.  I know every parent says their kid was the best of all but Trisha was and is.  As a baby she was always happy and very quiet.  She loved playing alone and never woke me.  I had her crib in my room and I would open my eyes in the morning there she was sitting in her crib smiling at me.  I was in awe of this little girl and deeply in love with her.

When she was around three years old she wanted to learn how to read.  She was very sure she could figure out reading so, I read to her all the time.  I even got so I would read my novels out loud for her.  She didn't care what I read just so long as I read to her.  I could see the magic in her eyes as she started to learn words.  We would sound them out and we would look them up.  To her it seemed to be a great treasure hunt.  One of her gifts to me was exploring words and meanings.

We always had structure in our home.  Spiderman was her favorite TV show and came on at four o'clock in the afternoon.  So I would tell her around 3:30 P.M. it is almost time for Spiderman.  She would pick up her toys so nothing would interfere with her show.  After Spiderman Daddy came home and we ate dinner, at the table and then bath and then... Books were read.  Sometimes Daddy would read Louis L' Amour novels about cowboys to her. Daddy's favorite books were the Sackett series and soon became Trisha's favorite.

Her brother Adam became her "audience" to read to.  Then along came James and the boys would giggle and clap when Trisha read to them.  She wanted to teach them to read but both were too rowdy to sit still very long.  She would not give up on them and tried everyday to teach them words.  So we started learning a new word everyday at the dinner table.  We would look it up and use it in sentences.  It does not surprise me in the least that Trisha is an English teacher.

When Trish became a teenager she decided she wanted a job at McDonald's.  Off she went on her own to apply for a job.  The manager told her she was too young but to come back when she was old enough.  She would stop in periodically and remind him when her birthday was.  And, lo and behold, she started working on her birthday!  Trisha made the biscuits back when the kids had to be at work at 4:00 a.m. and really make the biscuits!  Sometimes she would close and then be back in few hours to open up.  She loved working at McDonald's.

By now I was a single parent and was raising three kids on little more then minimum wage.  Trisha started helping with groceries.  At first she would bring home dinner once a week.  What a great help to me that was but she didn't stop there.  Soon she wanted to pay me "room and board".  I know most of her check must have gone to help our family out.  She never complained about having to buy her own senior pictures, class ring and stuff.  It seemed to me she felt it was an honor.

Trisha has always worked and gone to school.  Her interests are so varied it took her forever to declare and a major and stick to it.  She now has a masters a degree.  She did it all working in the fast food industry while she went to school.  She also took on marriage and motherhood.  She is married to a reader and their son is a reader.  I think fun to them is when a new book comes out and they wait in line at midnight for it to go on sale.

We lived apart for many years and I rarely got to see her and her family.  We live closer now and we have seen each other more in the last few months then in the last 20 years.  I am so very honored to get to know her, her husband and her son.  To this day when I look in her eyes she smiles and my heart melts.  I am so in awe of the woman she has become, Trisha is without a doubt one of my heroes and a great mentor.