Shelter From the Storm

The men are here putting in a below ground tornado shelter.  I was looking online for shelter supplies and I thought of my mom.  When I was younger I lived in Oklahoma.  My brother, Mark and his wife moved in with my family.  He went for a general physical for employment and they found a tumor in his abdomen. My parents came down to see him when he had surgery.  While they were there we had a tornado come through.  We took shelter in the hallway and put a mattress over our heads.  My son said, "Wow Grandpa, that is a big train!"  Yes, it was!

We lost a corner of the roof over our living room.  (We were unaware of the damage until days later when I mowed the backyard.)  After the storm passed there was no power for many hours.  I did not have a flashlight, portable radio, candle or anything even remotely similar.  My dad pulled the radio and battery from their car so we could "stay up to date on the weather".   My mom had a fit with me, "If I lived in the south I would have several flashlights, a radio, extra batteries and a storm shelter, for God sakes, Linda"

So, I am in the south once again.  I am building a shelter and getting the necessary supplies.  I spent a good part of my life waiting for Mom's approval and that never happened.  Through the years, with help of my twelve step programs I am able to find shelter from all of life's storms.  I have quit looking for approval from the outside.  With the help of my Higher Power and the steps, I have learned to find approval from within.  Accepting  my Higher Powers perfection, love and grace everyday, has filled my heart with all the love and all the approval I need, just for today!
        

Gifts From "HP" and My Cousin

Getting gifts from my Higher Power is always great but the one I got this time is beyond my dreams.  I know the gifts were always there but anger and fear blinded from seeing them.  It seems the more I thank "HP", the more I am able to see and the more I receive.  As with everything in my life, that too is cyclical.  And as with everything in my life, more is being revealed to me.

I always thought I had lost my childhood memories.  Years of abuse from my parents and years of self-inflicted abuse left me immobilized by my own self-loathing.  I thought I was worthless, unloved and incapable of loving.  Little by little my program taught me otherwise.  Doing a fourth and fifth step helped me see where I was the problem.  It also allowed me freedom to grow beyond my wildest dreams.  I was able to love and to be loved.  I have been to my dad's grave and forgiven him.  My mother and I talked about "it" before she died.  Mom will always be in my heart as a "best friend".

I know my childhood had to have good no matter how dark because I wasn't completely lost.  I just could not remember any good.  So I prayed on it.  I did a first step on my childhood, so to speak.  And then, as the old song goes, "Along Came Sally".  In birth order Sally is our maternal grandmothers' oldest granddaughter and I am next.  I grew up with Grandma near me in Michigan, Sally lived in California.  Sally's other grandmother lived in Michigan as well.  The Grandmothers were friends and I had a relationship with both of Sally's grandmas.  Sally's mother is the oldest of three sisters and my mom is the youngest.

It started innocently, I found Sally on Facebook and emailed her.  She emailed me back!  I told her I didn't know anything about her sibs and kids.  We emailed that information back and forth and on it goes.  We have shared childhood memories, some I had completely forgot. We have shared information about ourselves and our families.  I cannot wait for new emails and hate when I get busy and cannot respond right away.

When I write her I start writing "my dad did this or that".  Then I stop and think, she doesn't need to know that.  So, I erase and redo.  That process has allowed me to "re-frame" my childhood.  To completely free myself of the darkest thoughts and find the good.  Thank you HP for one of the most precious gifts I have ever received!  They say, "when the student is ready".  I am here to tell you for me that is the truth and her name is Sally!

Coat Hangers and Safety Pins

I have had a ton of stuff going on in the last few weeks.  A new doctor, oxygen and new medications.  I think I am doing great for a 61 year old that smoked too much, drank too much and had way way too much fun.  So I am here in Mississippi and I needed a new doctor.  The new doctor wanted new tests and oops, I am not getting enough oxygen. Oh, and one more thing the cholesteral is way too high.

I told her I am opposed to taking medications.  She was fine with that and wrote me a prescription for fish oil for my cholesteral.  She ordered a monitor to check my oxygen levels at night and I was way too low.  She then ordered oxygen at night and a sleep study.  The sleep study requires another new doctor.  Yikes!  Scarey stuff.

And here is how my wondrous life goes, my sponsor Wendy called me.  We chatted about nothing really but I got out of myself.  I have trouble calling because I never can figure out the the first few words when I am, well to be honest, scared.  People don't live without oxygen.  My mom died from lung cancer and on and on the fears swirled.  Wendy helped me find something else to do and she didn't even know it.  I looked for and ordered CD's by Holly Martin and Poor Boy Rice.  It takes me forever to do that kind of stuff.

Oh the title of this blog? I did laundry after the oxygen came the other day.  When I was hanging clothes up there was the coat hanger with the safety pins on it.  It was my mom's.  Mom always wore skirts and always pinned them to a hanger with safety pins.  This treasure was my unexpected inheritance.  After mom died I was given a bunch of her old clothes to take to the Goodwill.  Somehow this lone coat hanger with the pins got left behind in my closet.  It seems just when I need a Mother's touch there is her coat hanger.  The safety pins were no doubt pinned to her blouse like a medal before they were pinned to this old hanger.  I can still see her removing the pins from her blouse and lovingly pinning her skirt to the hanger.  And now that old hanger lovingly embraces me.

Breaking for Rainbows

I started a blog a while back.  My vision was to do something with my idle time so I wouldn't worry about my son so much. (My son, James, is in Iraq.)  The thoughts around, the planning and the writing of the blog occupied much of my time. The benefit to me was time passed and fears diminished.  The awesome gift I got from the blog was hope and peace of mind.

When I started blogging I wanted to write about my fears and my relationships with family and friends.  Like many in my age group I came from a fairly normal dysfunctional home.  It would have been very easy for me to name the sins of all my family members but for what purpose?  Some would say "to heal" and to them I say "bah".  These people have partners, spouses, children, grandchildren and other family and friends.  Do I need to destroy them to heal myself?  I don't think so.

What I decided to do was write things that are positive about these people.  My mom always said, "If you cannot say something nice, don't say anything at all."  As much hurt as some of my family caused me they also blessed me with wonderful gifts.  So many gifts that to name them would take me hours!  Music, theater, love, discipline, laughter, the list is endless.

Today I have an appreciation for everyone who has walked my journey with me.  When I cannot find anything good to say about an individual I remember the lesson from our relationship was life changing.  I am very grateful for all the days of my life and even during the worst of storms, I still break for rainbows.