It Ain't Easy Being Green...

I haven't covered up my "greenness" in nearly forty years!  I have always had a sense about me.  I didn't flaunt my "greenness".  I certainly didn't go where "green" people are not welcome.  Until I moved to the south... Greens are not welcome here under any circumstance, anywhere.  Not in church, not at AA, not at Al-Anon and not even outside of their house.

When these southerners asked me how I got here, I lied.  I lied about who I am, my core being.  I started to hate who I was and how I live.  I endured jokes about green, black and brown people.  I laughed along trying to fit in.  But then it happened. Some of the men started asking me out on dates.  I was confused.  I couldn't even figure out how to respond.  I haven't been asked out on a date in over twenty years.  So I lied again and my lies didn't add up.  Lies never do add up, you know.

Now I feel unwelcome everywhere.  One person told me not to let these people run me off but she is young and from the north.  I fought my way in the door in the 1980's, I haven't the energy to do that again.  I am very afraid for the first time in many years.  I am even having an alarm installed on my house.  What I want to know and understand is... If you are so much better then me, why do I scare you so much?  I am just an old girl with children, grandchildren and dreams of my own, a child of God.  I don't want to hurt you, why do you want to hurt me?
       

Well Shoot

Mother's Day, it will be here before we know it.  I miss my Mom and I suspect I will the rest of the days of my life.  She didn't like me or so it seemed to me and my sister-in-law confirmed that and further told to stay away from Mom.  I didn't stay away and Mom and I became best of friends.  The last 20 years of her life we went to breakfast and shopping nearly every Saturday.  I am glad I didn't let my ego come between us because I am so blessed to have been friends with Mother.

The flip side of Mother's Day is Adam, my oldest son and middle child.  I don't recall the last time he spoke to me on Mother's Day.  I would guess 20 to 25 years ago. He chose to go the route of drugs and alcohol.  After numerous hospitalizations I was advise to kick him out.  He had quit school and was 18 so out he went.  It killed me to do that but I was told it was the only way to send Adam a "wake up call".  I have only seen him a few times since that day.  He used to call once in awhile homeless and needing money.  The last time he called for money I told him that I am broke and have nothing left to give.  He has never called me again.

And so on Mother's Day I wish and I wait.  I wish I could call my Mom.  I wait for calls from my children.  Trisha usually calls me first.  Jim almost always calls in the afternoon, if he is able.  And I wait for my beautiful son Adam to call me.  And I cry because the phone doesn't ring.  But once again, this year, I will wait and I will hope.