Where in the World is Adam?

I follow several other blogs.  One in particular I really enjoy is, An Addict in Our Sons Bedroom.  They wrote a piece on the blame game to which I replied:


Over twenty years ago and after 3 or 4 treatment centers I kicked my oldest son out. I have only seen him 2 or 3 times. He stopped calling me years ago when I told him no more money. I miss him terribly everyday. I do not know if he is even alive. Sometimes it seems like it would be easier if he were dead. Coulda, woulda, shoulda were my constant companions. I sometimes would wonder if I quit before the miracle happened. In all my meetings, in both fellowships, I have never heard anyone give thanks to their Higher Power, whom they choose to call "Mom & Dad". I know it is out of my hands but every once in awhile I wonder, "If only I (fill in the blank)". Those are the days I help a friend, go to a meeting or call my sponsor. Sometimes all three! It has gotten easier but the pain is still deep.


Yes the pain is still there like a sore that won't go away.  A cancer in my soul. I really do hate alcoholism (and all addictions).  My family is riddled with alcoholics and drug addicts.  For my children (and my grandchildren) that meant/means just add alcohol and find out if you are or not.  It is a very dangerous, life threatening game I would suggest they not play.  Alcohol and drugs will rape, rob and beat you to near death.   Like the song goes, "Everything you love starts to disappear, the devil takes your hand and says, no fear have another shot just one more beer"- Kenny Chesney.

Well Shoot

Mother's Day, it will be here before we know it.  I miss my Mom and I suspect I will the rest of the days of my life.  She didn't like me or so it seemed to me and my sister-in-law confirmed that and further told to stay away from Mom.  I didn't stay away and Mom and I became best of friends.  The last 20 years of her life we went to breakfast and shopping nearly every Saturday.  I am glad I didn't let my ego come between us because I am so blessed to have been friends with Mother.

The flip side of Mother's Day is Adam, my oldest son and middle child.  I don't recall the last time he spoke to me on Mother's Day.  I would guess 20 to 25 years ago. He chose to go the route of drugs and alcohol.  After numerous hospitalizations I was advise to kick him out.  He had quit school and was 18 so out he went.  It killed me to do that but I was told it was the only way to send Adam a "wake up call".  I have only seen him a few times since that day.  He used to call once in awhile homeless and needing money.  The last time he called for money I told him that I am broke and have nothing left to give.  He has never called me again.

And so on Mother's Day I wish and I wait.  I wish I could call my Mom.  I wait for calls from my children.  Trisha usually calls me first.  Jim almost always calls in the afternoon, if he is able.  And I wait for my beautiful son Adam to call me.  And I cry because the phone doesn't ring.  But once again, this year, I will wait and I will hope.