Tuesday, January 26, 2010

All these years...

I got my 3rd four year token yesterday.  I got to choose the speaker at a meeting that is not typically a speaker meeting.  The guys even bought me a birthday cake! Rob gave me my token in front of everyone.  He patted my back about the quality of my sobriety, starting a new meeting, and becoming our GSR.  Ron was choked up.  Many of the people that came up and gave me a hug after the meeting were near tears.  This was very important to these people - four years!

I stood there for a long time watching people talk about the journey sobriety takes us on while we ate cake.  I was amazed at the tears of happiness and the laughter.  I was standing there ashamed.  Ashamed because I should have picked up my 25 year token in December.  As soon as that thought crossed my mind it dissolved and I felt overwhelmed.  In an instant I felt new, whole, perfect. I saw through the eyes of a person who had lost it all and in 4 years had more then they ever could imagine.  I really could not have imagined the life I live today!  I have never before felt this level of gratitude and peace.

Thank you to everyone who has been part of these four years.  Some are AA, some are Al-Anon, some are still drunks, some are near, some are afar, some are friends, and some are family.  Some know the peace true serenity brings and some are still learning.  I can see the promises through your eyes for the first time and I am so deeply grateful.

Thursday, January 7, 2010

Who's Inventory Are You Taking? Mine or Yours

I haven't written in a bit because I was out of the country, then I got sick, and then my family went crazy.  For one, I was called dysfunctional. No way, me?  Well, I wasn't just called dysfunctional it was put in writing on a social network for all the world to see.  It hurt my feelings.  The truth is generally painful.  The person involved in the name calling might want to look at themselves.  You know what "they" say, "You spot it, you got it." or "You name it, you claim it."

My children haven't lived with me in over 20 years, my siblings haven't lived with me in over 40 years. The way I see it, the basic problem here is, I have changed so much in the last years I don't even look like the same person.  I don't sound like her, I don't dress like her and I don't talk like her.  They don't know that, they still see the old person.  I have spent a lifetime in therapy, 25 years in AA and 23 years in Al-Anon.  Have I "slipped" over the years?  Yep.  Am I perfect? Nope.

As painful as it is for me, there are things about me I can never change.  I cannot change the Mommy that was not perfect but, oh my gosh, I was so much better then my role models.  Other things I cannot change are, I am an alcoholic.  I am an adult child of alcoholic parents.  I was abused, neglected and unloved.  I am the mother of a drug addict.  I am bi-polar.  I am short and I am getting old.  

Do I get mad when I allow you to suck me in?  You bet I do.  I turn into the raging idiot that was living in my body before I found a program.  However, my anger is not aimed at you today.  It is aimed at me for allowing myself to play very hurtful games with you.  Today I recover quicker. Today I have sponsors, friends, meetings and my Big Book.  Today I can be swift in forgiving and more importantly, I can forgive myself.  Today I know love and I am loved.