Where in the World is Adam?

I follow several other blogs.  One in particular I really enjoy is, An Addict in Our Sons Bedroom.  They wrote a piece on the blame game to which I replied:


Over twenty years ago and after 3 or 4 treatment centers I kicked my oldest son out. I have only seen him 2 or 3 times. He stopped calling me years ago when I told him no more money. I miss him terribly everyday. I do not know if he is even alive. Sometimes it seems like it would be easier if he were dead. Coulda, woulda, shoulda were my constant companions. I sometimes would wonder if I quit before the miracle happened. In all my meetings, in both fellowships, I have never heard anyone give thanks to their Higher Power, whom they choose to call "Mom & Dad". I know it is out of my hands but every once in awhile I wonder, "If only I (fill in the blank)". Those are the days I help a friend, go to a meeting or call my sponsor. Sometimes all three! It has gotten easier but the pain is still deep.


Yes the pain is still there like a sore that won't go away.  A cancer in my soul. I really do hate alcoholism (and all addictions).  My family is riddled with alcoholics and drug addicts.  For my children (and my grandchildren) that meant/means just add alcohol and find out if you are or not.  It is a very dangerous, life threatening game I would suggest they not play.  Alcohol and drugs will rape, rob and beat you to near death.   Like the song goes, "Everything you love starts to disappear, the devil takes your hand and says, no fear have another shot just one more beer"- Kenny Chesney.

Two Days Off and a New Friend!

I skipped two days of blogging but... What an awesome Mother's Day weekend! My daughter and her husband, Trisha and Gary, came to visit me.  They got me a very cool "Zelda" t-shirt.  My son Jim called me twice from Iraq, I was gone both times. He left messages and it was great to hear his voice!  He sent me chocolate and tulips. How blessed am I.

For awhile now I have been thinking of getting another dog.  After much research I decided the cocker spaniel is the perfect breed for me.  My ambivalence was the puppy years until two years old.  Do I really want that?  I also wanted to find my new helper at the Humane Society.  Would all those things collide together in my world?  Trisha, Gary and I went to the flea market.  We walked a ton and I wearing down.  As we were leaving we walked by the Humane Society display and lo and behold there was a two year old cocker spaniel! We took her out of the cage and amid the chaos around us, she laid down at my feet!

I pick her up this afternoon.  I will probably name her Keeper.  She is already spoiled to death with everything a girl could possibly want!  PetSmart shelves are empty this morning!  Plus, she is signed up for training through expert.  I would like her to not only become my helper but a help to others.  Keeper and I will train together to eventually become a therapy team.  I am very excited to have Keeper in my life.

A few years ago I was a dog in a cage, denial was my jailer.  My program, the steps and my Higher Power have set me free.  None of this would be possible without those things in my life.  I was also given a bonus this weekend.  My daughter has asked me to accompany her to New Orleans for a couple weeks.  She is going for work.  What an honor to have my beautiful Trisha ask to spend time with this old girl.  None of this is my doing, I just got out of the way and allowed my life to happen.

Sigh

I skipped the meeting today.  Some days I just don't want to play and I think that is alright.  What I am struggling with is, I resigned as GSR.  I have done a ton of service work in the last years and I wish to step down.  I feel a bit guilty as there is no one that will do the job.  I could blame a ton of stuff, like we haven't had a business meeting since before the last quarterly assembly.  It is time for another Area Assembly.

The real reason is hard for me to admit.  I am scared.  I am not young and dumb any more.  Where the hotels are, is huge and very busy.  The people on the corners are not passing out church literature.  It is a very scary area.  Besides my overnight bag, I have a huge oxygen concentrator to haul around.  And I am on my own, alone.

Accepting my limitations and disabilities has been very hard on me.  I was always the strong one.  I raised the kids alone, worked, cleaned house, cooked the meals, mowed the yard, PTA and Scouts.  When I came into the twelve step world I jumped into service work with both feet.  Now I can no longer make promises my body and mind cannot keep.

It all makes me very sad.  The damage I have done to my body with cigarettes and booze is catastrophic.  I always joked about my addictions.  'It takes the years off my life I don't want to be here for anyhow." I would quip. But oh yes, I want to live many more years.  I want to laugh, love and listen to the music.

Doin' the Deal

Most of my friends and family members know that I attend twelve step meetings.  If you did not know, you do now.  

Down here in the south they refer to working or living the twelve steps as "doin' the deal".  I never know for sure if "it" is working in my life.  And sometimes I think I just don't get "it".

Today after a very spiritual Saturday morning meeting, a gentleman came up to me.  He has forty plus years of continuous sobriety.  I very much respect him and his program. He said to me, "I love listening to you talk.  You remind me of my first sponsor."

He has said that to me before.  I have always thought he meant my northern accent or the tone of my voice.  He continued, "He was one of the most spiritual people I had ever met, too."

Whoa... I am just trudging down the road doin' the deal.

"The" Gratitude Journal

Many of my sponsor's over the years have suggested I write a gratitude journal.  I always showed great "verbal motivation" but never actually started a journal.  I said I did and in my mind I thought of stuff but I have never felt grateful.  I could say "my sobriety" but I didn't really feel grateful for it.  Many people had a heck of a lot more sobriety then me.

Then my one sponsor brought a journal and pen to me.  She challenged me to list just 3 things a night, no more no less.  So the first page in that journal looks like this:

I am grateful for:

1. This journal

2. This pen

3. I thought of those two things!

That was the start of a life changing journey.  I can list things forever now.  Gratitude can be learned and for that I am truly grateful!

Breaking for Rainbows

I started a blog a while back.  My vision was to do something with my idle time so I wouldn't worry about my son so much. (My son, James, is in Iraq.)  The thoughts around, the planning and the writing of the blog occupied much of my time. The benefit to me was time passed and fears diminished.  The awesome gift I got from the blog was hope and peace of mind.

When I started blogging I wanted to write about my fears and my relationships with family and friends.  Like many in my age group I came from a fairly normal dysfunctional home.  It would have been very easy for me to name the sins of all my family members but for what purpose?  Some would say "to heal" and to them I say "bah".  These people have partners, spouses, children, grandchildren and other family and friends.  Do I need to destroy them to heal myself?  I don't think so.

What I decided to do was write things that are positive about these people.  My mom always said, "If you cannot say something nice, don't say anything at all."  As much hurt as some of my family caused me they also blessed me with wonderful gifts.  So many gifts that to name them would take me hours!  Music, theater, love, discipline, laughter, the list is endless.

Today I have an appreciation for everyone who has walked my journey with me.  When I cannot find anything good to say about an individual I remember the lesson from our relationship was life changing.  I am very grateful for all the days of my life and even during the worst of storms, I still break for rainbows.