Belonging and longing

Some days I still feel like a square peg in a round hole.  I wished things were different but I cannot change some of the things about me.  This isn't your business, so leave me alone.  No, please don't leave me alone.  My head is such a mess.  Yet people praise me and thank me and want to hear my story.  I got nothing to give you.  I am all used up.  I'm tired.

Pity pot?  Maybe but I am different from you.  When people find out who I really am, they run away.  I have seen it happen time and time again.  You want to know why I don't get close to anyone?  It is because I am scared of pain and rejection.  Most reject me because of who I am.  Some reject me because people tease them for being my friend.  It is the truth in my world.  It is my reality.  I am getting too old to play these junior high school games.

So, I sit here alone.  People ask me to lunch, dinner, meetings where ever but I always smile and say, no thanks not today.  Because I know we would get close.  Then you would find out about me and leave.  I am one of God's kids, too you know.  And I do have feelings.  One of my nieces' has on her profile, "I yam what I yam."  Hell yeah, so am I.

Old Church Old Feelings

The minister from my home church back in Michigan sent me an email.  In part she cited her policy of  "not friending on Facebook people who are former members of my church once they've become members somewhere else."  She ended the email with, "So I am sorry to tell you this but I am defriending you on Facebook."  With a click of a button we were no longer friends.  Like a dutiful child not wanting to make waves I wrote her back, "I do understand and thank you for sending me this note."  Well, I am not fine, I don't understand and I am very hurt.  I feel like a lost little girl looking for Mommies love, once again.
  
First off, I was never an official member of her church.  We had never got our Sundays to line up to make it official.  Secondly, I have not become a member of any other church.  Her church was where my heart was and I am feeling excommunicated.  Even the Catholic church didn't "defriend" me.  I was as generous as I could be with her church, to a fault. I even tithed after our schedule changed and we could no longer attend. Furthermore, I finished our pledge after we moved to Mississippi.  And just maybe that is where friendships and memberships really end... When the tithe ends.

Years ago a ministers wife was trying to recruit me as a member of her husbands church.  I told her that given my background and belief system, I am not welcome in most churches.  She told me this story.  A young man was on the front church steps crying when Jesus approached him, "What is the matter, my son", Jesus asked.  The man told Jesus that he was not welcome in this church.  Jesus responded, "Don't worry son, neither am I!"

Tonight Will Be Dark

And tomorrow will light.  That is about the only thing I am sure of today!  I said I am writing everyday... Well, what the heck was I thinking?  I have nothing.  So, gratitude will have to do!

Today I am grateful for:

1.  The new woman at my noon meeting.  She is my age, had oxygen tubing marks on her face like mine and just for today she wanted to go to bed without drinking!  It was her second meeting and she drank in between that one and today.  "Oh well", I told her, "That was yesterday and today is today.  That is all we've got."  I am glad I know that and could pass it on.

2.  I am so happy I do not have to be the leader of the pack today.  I love sitting back and letting the other egos do all the heavy lifting.  I'll make coffee, it keeps "Ole Slick" off my back.

3.  Finding an old friend on Facebook from the beginning in 1984.  We were at the same meetings and same tables until he moved from Adrian.  I love the things we shared back then.  When our friend Bullet was hospitalized many years ago, he drove down to Adrian to get me.  He took me to Ypsi to visit Bullet.  To me it is no wonder he is still sober today.  He is one of the miracles that was there so I could be here.