Sometimes I Learn

Sometimes I still have trouble putting a label on my feelings.  Sometimes I don't like being sad so I search inside for something else.  To be honest, sometimes I still search outside.  Sometimes there is nothing but sadness.  And sometimes, just maybe, that is alright.  The little dog and I didn't work out so good.  She was terribly sick.  I had over $200.00 in vet bills in the first two days and the doctor told me if she was still sick tomorrow, she would have to do "very costly" tests.  The next day she was worst. I took the little dog back to the dog pound.

I am sad but, in reality, it is not because I was so attached and "in love" with the dog.  I was "in love" with the plans and dreams I had for us.  First off I didn't want a puppy, too much work.  I wanted a small dog, easy to train and friendly.  I was going to go on walks with her.  We would fish, shop, talk and laugh.  She would be my therapist and I would train her to be a therapy dog.  We would be loved and respected by all.

My head just doesn't work right, we talked about that before.  My friend, Kenneth, said he told his wife he hates their new house.  He hates living on the east side and wishes they lived on the west side.  She told him he wants the to live on the west side because he lives on the east side.  Yes, I understood that comment.  Kenneth, told me that as long as I am not in jail, it is a good day.  And so it is...  

  

Yikes

I am not without problems today and most are of my own making.

I need to find my gratitude journal.  Where the heck did I put the darn thing.

Oh oh oh Hey!  I am grateful I can take my language out of the bar and make it user friendly

Dog thing didn't work out.  She was terribly ill and neither of us slept last night.  More to follow...

Sigh

I skipped the meeting today.  Some days I just don't want to play and I think that is alright.  What I am struggling with is, I resigned as GSR.  I have done a ton of service work in the last years and I wish to step down.  I feel a bit guilty as there is no one that will do the job.  I could blame a ton of stuff, like we haven't had a business meeting since before the last quarterly assembly.  It is time for another Area Assembly.

The real reason is hard for me to admit.  I am scared.  I am not young and dumb any more.  Where the hotels are, is huge and very busy.  The people on the corners are not passing out church literature.  It is a very scary area.  Besides my overnight bag, I have a huge oxygen concentrator to haul around.  And I am on my own, alone.

Accepting my limitations and disabilities has been very hard on me.  I was always the strong one.  I raised the kids alone, worked, cleaned house, cooked the meals, mowed the yard, PTA and Scouts.  When I came into the twelve step world I jumped into service work with both feet.  Now I can no longer make promises my body and mind cannot keep.

It all makes me very sad.  The damage I have done to my body with cigarettes and booze is catastrophic.  I always joked about my addictions.  'It takes the years off my life I don't want to be here for anyhow." I would quip. But oh yes, I want to live many more years.  I want to laugh, love and listen to the music.

Doin' the Deal

Most of my friends and family members know that I attend twelve step meetings.  If you did not know, you do now.  

Down here in the south they refer to working or living the twelve steps as "doin' the deal".  I never know for sure if "it" is working in my life.  And sometimes I think I just don't get "it".

Today after a very spiritual Saturday morning meeting, a gentleman came up to me.  He has forty plus years of continuous sobriety.  I very much respect him and his program. He said to me, "I love listening to you talk.  You remind me of my first sponsor."

He has said that to me before.  I have always thought he meant my northern accent or the tone of my voice.  He continued, "He was one of the most spiritual people I had ever met, too."

Whoa... I am just trudging down the road doin' the deal.

My Kids and the Legend of Zelda

I have two kids that are part of my life, my daughter Trisha and my son, James.  They both have showered me with love, gifts and tears.  I love them both very deeply.  This story is about old gifts from my daughter and new lessons learned.

I first became addicted to games when the Atari came out.  Then a few years later, I found my true love RPG's.  The Legend of Zelda was released for play on the original Nintendo.  Jim and I spent hours playing that game.  I could figure things out and he could kill stuff.  We found ground to share when he was a young preteen and teenager.  I couldn't afford to buy the game so we rented it on the weekend.  I was horribly angry when someone erased my game and I was inconsolable if it wasn't available.

Trisha and her family knew my addiction to games from Zelda all the way through the years to World of Warcraft and Final Fantasy XI.  She and her family bought me these great t-shirts as gifts.  One has a picture of Zelda sword raised and inscribed "Legend in Progress".  Another has a picture of the original Nintendo inscribed "Classically Trained".  There are many more.  I wear these shirts only once in a great while as I don't want them to wear out.

I was searching through the closet I keep them in and thought, Heck I'm going to wear out before these shirts do.  Ah-Ha!  They went straight to the laundry and I am wearing a different one every day.  I have now taken all the good  stuff out and I am using everything I have been saving.  I am even taking my beautiful Mother's ring they bought me to be re-sized.  I have had it locked in a safe for many years.  It is way past time for me to enjoy all the things in my life.  After all, all I have here is today.