All these years...

I got my 3rd four year token yesterday.  I got to choose the speaker at a meeting that is not typically a speaker meeting.  The guys even bought me a birthday cake! Rob gave me my token in front of everyone.  He patted my back about the quality of my sobriety, starting a new meeting, and becoming our GSR.  Ron was choked up.  Many of the people that came up and gave me a hug after the meeting were near tears.  This was very important to these people - four years!

I stood there for a long time watching people talk about the journey sobriety takes us on while we ate cake.  I was amazed at the tears of happiness and the laughter.  I was standing there ashamed.  Ashamed because I should have picked up my 25 year token in December.  As soon as that thought crossed my mind it dissolved and I felt overwhelmed.  In an instant I felt new, whole, perfect. I saw through the eyes of a person who had lost it all and in 4 years had more then they ever could imagine.  I really could not have imagined the life I live today!  I have never before felt this level of gratitude and peace.

Thank you to everyone who has been part of these four years.  Some are AA, some are Al-Anon, some are still drunks, some are near, some are afar, some are friends, and some are family.  Some know the peace true serenity brings and some are still learning.  I can see the promises through your eyes for the first time and I am so deeply grateful.

Who's Inventory Are You Taking? Mine or Yours

I haven't written in a bit because I was out of the country, then I got sick, and then my family went crazy.  For one, I was called dysfunctional. No way, me?  Well, I wasn't just called dysfunctional it was put in writing on a social network for all the world to see.  It hurt my feelings.  The truth is generally painful.  The person involved in the name calling might want to look at themselves.  You know what "they" say, "You spot it, you got it." or "You name it, you claim it."

My children haven't lived with me in over 20 years, my siblings haven't lived with me in over 40 years. The way I see it, the basic problem here is, I have changed so much in the last years I don't even look like the same person.  I don't sound like her, I don't dress like her and I don't talk like her.  They don't know that, they still see the old person.  I have spent a lifetime in therapy, 25 years in AA and 23 years in Al-Anon.  Have I "slipped" over the years?  Yep.  Am I perfect? Nope.

As painful as it is for me, there are things about me I can never change.  I cannot change the Mommy that was not perfect but, oh my gosh, I was so much better then my role models.  Other things I cannot change are, I am an alcoholic.  I am an adult child of alcoholic parents.  I was abused, neglected and unloved.  I am the mother of a drug addict.  I am bi-polar.  I am short and I am getting old.  

Do I get mad when I allow you to suck me in?  You bet I do.  I turn into the raging idiot that was living in my body before I found a program.  However, my anger is not aimed at you today.  It is aimed at me for allowing myself to play very hurtful games with you.  Today I recover quicker. Today I have sponsors, friends, meetings and my Big Book.  Today I can be swift in forgiving and more importantly, I can forgive myself.  Today I know love and I am loved.



 

Going Home

As many of you know, I moved from Michigan to Mississippi about 8 months ago.  I was raised in Michigan and spent the majority of my life there.  I got sober in Michigan.  I went to Al-anon for many years in Michigan.  My home group for both programs meets at Bixby Hospital in Adrian, MI.  My church is in Michigan and most of my friends live in Michigan.  So, when I got the chance to go back to Michigan for a visit it was a "no brainer" for me.  As I drove the miles between Mississippi and Michigan I felt great excitement.  I was on my way home.

My mom told me many years ago one can never go back home. I had not been gone that long, or had I?  I was blessed to have the opportunity to go to my church and my home group meeting.  My meeting was over early so I went down the hall to Al-anon.  I felt comfortable in my church.  A new couple I didn't know came over and sat with me.  Both of my meetings at Bixby Hospital felt comfortable but something was missing. Maybe my ego thought people would fall down at my feet.

On my way back to Mississippi I really felt like I was on my way "back home".  I drove all the way back to Mississippi as fast as I could.  I drove into the night, way past my normal bedtime.  Skipping breaks and eating fast food fast.  I wanted to be back home.  I wanted to get to bed and get up on time for my home group meeting in Tupelo.  I made it!  And you know what?  People didn't fall to their feet but I did!  I was so happy to get home to my home group meeting.  The guys were all there that have become very special to me.

I have struggled with my sobriety for many years.  I know now that the move to Mississippi was a gift from my Higher Power.  The move has renewed and refreshed my sobriety.  After I went back out the second time I felt so bad about myself and I felt everyone in the state of Michigan was judging me.  It seemed to me my sobriety was always in jeopardy.  The people at my home group here in Mississippi know about my past.  The difference is I have never let them down and I hope I never do.  I feel new, welcome and very special here.  I feel at home.



      

God and the Woodpecker

November is gratitude month and believe it or not, as of today, I have not sat at one gratitude table.  In Michigan it seemed all we had were gratitude meetings in November!  I hated those meetings.  People said, "I am grateful for my sobriety." I always thought, "Big deal everyone in the room is sober."

I learned the biggest lessons of my life in March of 2009.  First, I need to back up a few months.  I had a beautiful backyard in Michigan with a creek and huge old trees.  In my kitchen was a big sliding glass door and I could sit at my breakfast table and behold nature.  Out in my yard I had a tiny little bird house with a tiny little hole in it.  Every spring these little birds would come and have babies birds and leave at summers end.

In the late fall of 2008 I was watching out my door and along came a red-headed woodpecker.  He started pecking away at the little hole in my little birdhouse.  At first I wanted to shoo him away but I had never seen a woodpecker up close.  So I watched in fascination as he hammered away.  When he left I looked and to my horror the cute little hole was big, ugly and out of shape.  Before I could get up from the table along came these bigger birds.  They made their home there in the birdhouse.  The imperfect house, in my eyes, became a perfect home for those birds!  My gift was a lesson about perfection and God's grace but it doesn't end there.

In March of 2009, the movers came and went and I was wrapping up a bittersweet move from Michigan to Mississippi.  I was cleaning out the last remaining things from the kitchen and I looked out and saw my poor run down birdhouse.  I was wondering if those little birds would live in that house ever again.  All of a sudden a huge storm started.  It got very black and the wind blew very hard.  The river was way above its the banks and the huge trees were water-logged and heavy.

When the storm ended many trees had fallen across my backyard.  Part of my garage roof was torn back and I had minor damage to my house.  My fence had collapsed under the tremendous weight of those huge old trees.  I looked through the limbs and devastation and there, standing proud, was the birdhouse.  What a beautiful gift my HP gave me!  He showed me His grace and His love.  If He cared so much for His birds, I knew I was "worth it".  I also knew everything would be O.K. and for that I am very grateful.

Gifts From "HP" and My Cousin

Getting gifts from my Higher Power is always great but the one I got this time is beyond my dreams.  I know the gifts were always there but anger and fear blinded from seeing them.  It seems the more I thank "HP", the more I am able to see and the more I receive.  As with everything in my life, that too is cyclical.  And as with everything in my life, more is being revealed to me.

I always thought I had lost my childhood memories.  Years of abuse from my parents and years of self-inflicted abuse left me immobilized by my own self-loathing.  I thought I was worthless, unloved and incapable of loving.  Little by little my program taught me otherwise.  Doing a fourth and fifth step helped me see where I was the problem.  It also allowed me freedom to grow beyond my wildest dreams.  I was able to love and to be loved.  I have been to my dad's grave and forgiven him.  My mother and I talked about "it" before she died.  Mom will always be in my heart as a "best friend".

I know my childhood had to have good no matter how dark because I wasn't completely lost.  I just could not remember any good.  So I prayed on it.  I did a first step on my childhood, so to speak.  And then, as the old song goes, "Along Came Sally".  In birth order Sally is our maternal grandmothers' oldest granddaughter and I am next.  I grew up with Grandma near me in Michigan, Sally lived in California.  Sally's other grandmother lived in Michigan as well.  The Grandmothers were friends and I had a relationship with both of Sally's grandmas.  Sally's mother is the oldest of three sisters and my mom is the youngest.

It started innocently, I found Sally on Facebook and emailed her.  She emailed me back!  I told her I didn't know anything about her sibs and kids.  We emailed that information back and forth and on it goes.  We have shared childhood memories, some I had completely forgot. We have shared information about ourselves and our families.  I cannot wait for new emails and hate when I get busy and cannot respond right away.

When I write her I start writing "my dad did this or that".  Then I stop and think, she doesn't need to know that.  So, I erase and redo.  That process has allowed me to "re-frame" my childhood.  To completely free myself of the darkest thoughts and find the good.  Thank you HP for one of the most precious gifts I have ever received!  They say, "when the student is ready".  I am here to tell you for me that is the truth and her name is Sally!

Just Put "IT" on the Blackboard

My home group meets 4 days a week on Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, and Friday at 12:05 P.M. We call ourselves the Spiritual Progress Group.

The meetings here in Mississippi are different from meetings in Michigan.  There are still smoking meetings everyday and not very many speaker meetings.  (I don't attend the smoking meetings as I am a recovered nicotine addict.)  The big thing is there are only two Big Book Study's.  I went to one and no one showed up.  The other I have been invited to but I have not attended yet.  I cannot find any 12 & 12 study groups.

I miss my Big Book study groups and felt sad that I could not get to the only one in town.  And here is how this program works, just put "it" on the blackboard.  You see, many years ago I had no place to go for Thanksgiving.  I told the Alano Club Manager we should have Thanksgiving Dinner here, at the club.  He said, "Put it on the board".

We had a marvelous Thanksgiving dinner that many attended.  That was 24 years ago and I believe they still have holiday dinners there several times a year.  So, with that in mind, I put my desire for a Big Study "on the board".  Or should I say I brought it up at our home group meeting.  The Spiritual Progress Group now meets five days a week and Wednesday is our Big Book Study!  And for that... I am grateful!

Wow still procrastinating, sponsorship and Tradition Three

When I started this blog I told myself I would post something everyday.  My first post was October 24, 2009 and I have only four posts to date.  This post will make five, not quite everyday!  Deep breath, what is the real issue here?  What is it I am really putting off?  OH! I know... Finding a sponsor here in Mississippi.  A real sponsor, with a sponsor and with a telephone!

It is hard because there is something about me that is different from others people!  I know you think everyone feels that way but in my case it is true.  In the "bible belt" I cannot be honest about who I am.  I feel if I cannot be honest it will be hard to find a sponsor.  I am not rolling about in self-pity.  I am speaking the truth.  When it comes to some matters, some people in the program do not follow Tradition Three (The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking.).  I thank my HP everyday that everyone doesn't feel that way!  (I might use that in my gratitude journal tonight! One down two to go.)

I am curious, do I need to be 100% honest with my sponsor?  Can I omit the part about who I am at the very core of my being?  One of my friends in Michigan told me if I do not live my truth I am denying others in my position the wisdom of my journey.  Let me know what you think!