Friday, October 16, 2009
Father, brothers and a missing son
As I look at things that happened between these men and me I must try to find my part in it. As a small child I had no part in that insanity but as an adult I do have a part. What I mean is, some of the stuff that happened to me as a child I continued to carry around as an adult for many years. I reacted to my adult environment through the eyes of a scared little girl. That is the area for which I am responsible, how I live my life today and to not allow these men to continue to abuse me.
In finding my part in everything, I must also make amends for my actions. And herein lays my dilemma. In making amends I need to remember the second part, "except when to do so would injure them or others." For me to publicly name the actions of these men I risk hurting their children, grandchildren and other family members. I would never intentionally hurt anyone.
I no longer hold any anger or resentment towards these men, I have forgiven them. That was hard to do and for many years I told people "forgiveness is God's business not mine". I have learned for me, forgiveness has three parts. First, I had to admit I need to forgive. Second, I had to actually forgive. Third, I had to accept that these men were/are suffering from their own disease and demons.
I was able to tell my one brother on the phone I have no resentment towards him. The other brother is very difficult to talk with as he is still living in the past. My father is dead. My son Adam is, I don't know where. The last I knew he was homeless in Detroit once again. I have forgiven them all and I will never have a relationship with any of them. I always thought forgiveness meant approval of the actions, it does not. Forgiveness has cleansed my heart and for that I am very grateful. Forgiveness also means I no longer have to carry "it" around and I no longer need to be a victim. Do I need to "get even" with the abuser and name names and call out sins? Not today I don't and my heart is over-flowing with love.