Sigh

I skipped the meeting today.  Some days I just don't want to play and I think that is alright.  What I am struggling with is, I resigned as GSR.  I have done a ton of service work in the last years and I wish to step down.  I feel a bit guilty as there is no one that will do the job.  I could blame a ton of stuff, like we haven't had a business meeting since before the last quarterly assembly.  It is time for another Area Assembly.

The real reason is hard for me to admit.  I am scared.  I am not young and dumb any more.  Where the hotels are, is huge and very busy.  The people on the corners are not passing out church literature.  It is a very scary area.  Besides my overnight bag, I have a huge oxygen concentrator to haul around.  And I am on my own, alone.

Accepting my limitations and disabilities has been very hard on me.  I was always the strong one.  I raised the kids alone, worked, cleaned house, cooked the meals, mowed the yard, PTA and Scouts.  When I came into the twelve step world I jumped into service work with both feet.  Now I can no longer make promises my body and mind cannot keep.

It all makes me very sad.  The damage I have done to my body with cigarettes and booze is catastrophic.  I always joked about my addictions.  'It takes the years off my life I don't want to be here for anyhow." I would quip. But oh yes, I want to live many more years.  I want to laugh, love and listen to the music.

A Day of Rest

My Higher Power a so awesome!  He has given me so many blessings I cry sometimes.  He took the seventh day off and as I strive towards His perfection, so shall I!

Peace, Love and Light!

Doin' the Deal

Most of my friends and family members know that I attend twelve step meetings.  If you did not know, you do now.  

Down here in the south they refer to working or living the twelve steps as "doin' the deal".  I never know for sure if "it" is working in my life.  And sometimes I think I just don't get "it".

Today after a very spiritual Saturday morning meeting, a gentleman came up to me.  He has forty plus years of continuous sobriety.  I very much respect him and his program. He said to me, "I love listening to you talk.  You remind me of my first sponsor."

He has said that to me before.  I have always thought he meant my northern accent or the tone of my voice.  He continued, "He was one of the most spiritual people I had ever met, too."

Whoa... I am just trudging down the road doin' the deal.

Well Shoot

Mother's Day, it will be here before we know it.  I miss my Mom and I suspect I will the rest of the days of my life.  She didn't like me or so it seemed to me and my sister-in-law confirmed that and further told to stay away from Mom.  I didn't stay away and Mom and I became best of friends.  The last 20 years of her life we went to breakfast and shopping nearly every Saturday.  I am glad I didn't let my ego come between us because I am so blessed to have been friends with Mother.

The flip side of Mother's Day is Adam, my oldest son and middle child.  I don't recall the last time he spoke to me on Mother's Day.  I would guess 20 to 25 years ago. He chose to go the route of drugs and alcohol.  After numerous hospitalizations I was advise to kick him out.  He had quit school and was 18 so out he went.  It killed me to do that but I was told it was the only way to send Adam a "wake up call".  I have only seen him a few times since that day.  He used to call once in awhile homeless and needing money.  The last time he called for money I told him that I am broke and have nothing left to give.  He has never called me again.

And so on Mother's Day I wish and I wait.  I wish I could call my Mom.  I wait for calls from my children.  Trisha usually calls me first.  Jim almost always calls in the afternoon, if he is able.  And I wait for my beautiful son Adam to call me.  And I cry because the phone doesn't ring.  But once again, this year, I will wait and I will hope.

Tonight Will Be Dark

And tomorrow will light.  That is about the only thing I am sure of today!  I said I am writing everyday... Well, what the heck was I thinking?  I have nothing.  So, gratitude will have to do!

Today I am grateful for:

1.  The new woman at my noon meeting.  She is my age, had oxygen tubing marks on her face like mine and just for today she wanted to go to bed without drinking!  It was her second meeting and she drank in between that one and today.  "Oh well", I told her, "That was yesterday and today is today.  That is all we've got."  I am glad I know that and could pass it on.

2.  I am so happy I do not have to be the leader of the pack today.  I love sitting back and letting the other egos do all the heavy lifting.  I'll make coffee, it keeps "Ole Slick" off my back.

3.  Finding an old friend on Facebook from the beginning in 1984.  We were at the same meetings and same tables until he moved from Adrian.  I love the things we shared back then.  When our friend Bullet was hospitalized many years ago, he drove down to Adrian to get me.  He took me to Ypsi to visit Bullet.  To me it is no wonder he is still sober today.  He is one of the miracles that was there so I could be here.

My Kids and the Legend of Zelda

I have two kids that are part of my life, my daughter Trisha and my son, James.  They both have showered me with love, gifts and tears.  I love them both very deeply.  This story is about old gifts from my daughter and new lessons learned.

I first became addicted to games when the Atari came out.  Then a few years later, I found my true love RPG's.  The Legend of Zelda was released for play on the original Nintendo.  Jim and I spent hours playing that game.  I could figure things out and he could kill stuff.  We found ground to share when he was a young preteen and teenager.  I couldn't afford to buy the game so we rented it on the weekend.  I was horribly angry when someone erased my game and I was inconsolable if it wasn't available.

Trisha and her family knew my addiction to games from Zelda all the way through the years to World of Warcraft and Final Fantasy XI.  She and her family bought me these great t-shirts as gifts.  One has a picture of Zelda sword raised and inscribed "Legend in Progress".  Another has a picture of the original Nintendo inscribed "Classically Trained".  There are many more.  I wear these shirts only once in a great while as I don't want them to wear out.

I was searching through the closet I keep them in and thought, Heck I'm going to wear out before these shirts do.  Ah-Ha!  They went straight to the laundry and I am wearing a different one every day.  I have now taken all the good  stuff out and I am using everything I have been saving.  I am even taking my beautiful Mother's ring they bought me to be re-sized.  I have had it locked in a safe for many years.  It is way past time for me to enjoy all the things in my life.  After all, all I have here is today.

Worms in my Refrigerator

I like to fish or maybe I like thought of being able to fish, I don't know.  Anyhow, I went and bought a new rod, reel, tackle box and worms.  I put all my new fishing gear in my room and the worms in the frig.  Worms are always kept in the refrigerator, according to my Dad.  That action brought about a memory of my Grandma D.

Grandma D. had a cabin in the northern lower peninsula of Michigan.  We vacationed there every July.  By we I mean my parents and my brothers and sister.  I loved "the cabin".  It was back 45 years ago and we were one of the very few cabins on the lake.  There was literally a one lane path leading back through the woods to the cabin.  I loved it there and many of my fondest memories are from our times there.

Anyhow, Dad would take Don (my brother) and I fishing.  We went everyday, twice a day some days.  And when I didn't get to go in the boat I fished off the dock.  It was really cool because at the end of the dock the lake had drop off and it was very deep and dark.  You could catch as many or more fish from the dock as you could from the boat.  When not fishing, we went digging for worms.  We kept the worms in an old Crisco can in the refrigerator.

My Grandma was a lady.  She always reminded me of the Queen of England, a proper lady.  You can see where this is going... She went to fix popcorn for us one night.  Got out the "Crisco" and, you guessed it, worms went flying all over the cabin.