Saturday, May 22, 2010

Yesterday ...

Yesterday was a fun, hard, confusing, and an emotional day!  I have an old box of film negatives.  I decided to sort through them with a film to digital scanner thing.  What treasures I found!  Pictures of my babies, my (ex) husband, old friends, old enemies.  The sane days, the insane days and alcohol filled days, my life caught on film. It was a roller coaster day.

The sane days, the days of normalcy were courtesy of my ex, Jim.  Looking at those pictures reminded me of love I tossed aside.  The pictures of my young kids and their "daddy".  He liked being a daddy.  That was plain to see looking back.  Jim loved me no matter what but that wasn't enough for me.  I wanted everything and I didn't even know what everything was.  I looked "in all the wrong places" for it and I had it all the time. Regretfully, I threw it away.

I will always love Jim.  It is a distinction he doesn't even know he holds... The only man I was ever "in" love with.  And no one knows this... I wrote him after I moved to California and asked him if there was anyway we could get back together.  I never heard back from him.  I don't even know if he got that letter.  I heard, after I sent the letter, he remarried as soon as our divorce was final.  Maybe he threw the letter away out of respect for her or maybe he never got the letter.

I made amends to Jim a few weeks back.  It wasn't the best time or place (his mother's funeral) but we may never see each other again.  I told Jim that I have always loved him and I will love him until the day I die.  I told him I am so sorry I couldn't be the wife he needed.  I even told him I am grateful he has Laurie (his current wife).  He deserves to be happy and he deserves a good wife.  Jim is the father of my children, the "bestest" kisser ever, a wonderful dancer, a compassionate friend and a gentle lover... Jim is a good man.  Laurie is very lucky and I hope she knows that.

More to follow...

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