My journal of hope and recovery from substance abuse, co-dependency, stress, fears, and childhood.
Saturday, May 22, 2010
Yesterday was a fun, hard, confusing, and an emotional day! I have an old box of film negatives. I decided to sort through them with a film to digital scanner thing. What treasures I found! Pictures of my babies, my (ex) husband, old friends, old enemies. The sane days, the insane days and alcohol filled days, my life caught on film. It was a roller coaster day.
The sane days, the days of normalcy were courtesy of my ex, Jim. Looking at those pictures reminded me of love I tossed aside. The pictures of my young kids and their "daddy". He liked being a daddy. That was plain to see looking back. Jim loved me no matter what but that wasn't enough for me. I wanted everything and I didn't even know what everything was. I looked "in all the wrong places" for it and I had it all the time. Regretfully, I threw it away.
I will always love Jim. It is a distinction he doesn't even know he holds... The only man I was ever "in" love with. And no one knows this... I wrote him after I moved to California and asked him if there was anyway we could get back together. I never heard back from him. I don't even know if he got that letter. I heard, after I sent the letter, he remarried as soon as our divorce was final. Maybe he threw the letter away out of respect for her or maybe he never got the letter.
I made amends to Jim a few weeks back. It wasn't the best time or place (his mother's funeral) but we may never see each other again. I told Jim that I have always loved him and I will love him until the day I die. I told him I am so sorry I couldn't be the wife he needed. I even told him I am grateful he has Laurie (his current wife). He deserves to be happy and he deserves a good wife. Jim is the father of my children, the "bestest" kisser ever, a wonderful dancer, a compassionate friend and a gentle lover... Jim is a good man. Laurie is very lucky and I hope she knows that.